Gone with you
by paranoiascape
Summary: The night before Sam leaves for Stanford memories clash and priorities may have been set in misunderstanding. Wincest, One-Shot...I'm obviously no good at summaries. Re-uploaded because  didn't save my changes.


Warnings: Wincest, slight/implied underage, unforgivable fluff (what's fluff for me at least), probably OOCness because I just see them in synchronized and can't hit the right tone dead-on

Set before Sam leaves for Stanford. More personal notes over in my LJ in the profile. I phrased it a lot more informal than I normally would. If it seems clipped that's okay, it's supposed to be that way.

Past tense indicates skip in time. You'll figure it out.

None is mine, neither Sam and Dean nor the inspiration from Sweet Feeling, which belongs to BRMC.

* * *

><p><strong>Gone with you<strong>

Sam looks down on the slip of paper in his hand, turning it around and around like it holds a set of rules how to proceed in a situation like this.

"Back then I wouldn't have dreamed of this day to really come. Do you remember ?"

Dean doesn't have to look up and see Sam's absent stare to know what he is talking about.

"Yeah."

* * *

><p>"Leave m'alone, Dean. I'm tired."<p>

"That's cause you stayed up all night, freak."

Sam just huffed but rose anyway. "Yeah, to learn ! Dad's insane drills are not everything."

Dean laughed like he was amused by a little kid's antics. "Let's see how you think about it next time a zombie comes breaking out of the hedge."

Sam hesitated before he said, "I want to do that when I'm older."

Dean's smile stayed in place despite the obvious change of subject. "Do what, kiddo ?"

"Learn, be good at something, go to university. All those things…all those things Dad thinks are unimportant."

The older brother ran his hand over his mouth and chin. It had been foreseeable for years that this day would come.

"I want to become something more. I want to live and not be afraid of what might attack me the next time I go out for food."

"Something more…"

"I'm not saying that what you do is unimportant, Dean. You're a good hunter but I'll never be enough for Dad and we both know it."

The older one was aware that this was not exactly true, that in fact Sammy always had been the baby treated harder than necessary to protect him from Mary's fate.

"You know I didn't mean it like that."

Sam was miserable and Dean not exactly the person to be hard on him for being not in order.

"You've got more than two years left, Sammy. It will work out, I'll be here."

Sam looked up and met his eyes. He tried to smile but he had the feeling that his little brother read more off his face than he wanted to let on. All things he wanted to keep secret to himself laid out open when something close to realization dawned on Sam's face. Every possible long held fear or guilt was washed away when Sam touched his hand in a reassuring gesture for just a split moment, the Winchester way for saying _'It's okay, I'm with you there'_.

"Will this last ?" Dean just smiled at him. He took that as a yes.

"Will you stay ?" Now Dean grinned, cocky smirk in place.

"Where would I be going anyway ?"

Kissing Sam might have been one of the best ideas Dean ever had considering it felt more amazing than hunting werewolves or hustling enough money for shiny new equipment for the Impala at pool.

* * *

><p>Almost inaudibly Sam sighs and puts the paper back into the envelope.<p>

"Thank you."

This time Dean looks up. "Sure." He doesn't know what Sam thanks him for but for him that's all there is to say. Sam however apparently has no intentions of letting the subject drop so easily though he sounds uncertain.

"I…I mean I thought that…you might not want to. After…you know, last week."

Dean just really really doesn't want to talk about it, not now, not later, not ever.

"What kind of brother would I be, letting you down over something like this, Sammy."

The younger Winchester inhales sharply but doesn't say anything for a moment. He stares at his brother hard and intense, searching for a reaction beyond _'it's alright, I have to drive into the direction anyway'_.

"Don't be a jerk about it", he suddenly says.

"Sam, I'm not. We talked about it alright. You go and I stay, that's okay. I won't deny I was upset first but I understand."

"Well I wish you wouldn't."

* * *

><p>"You defended me in front of Dad."<p>

Though the words expressed gratefulness Sam sounded hurt.

"He wouldn't have let you go", Dean simply said.

"And you can ?"

Sam didn't know what he wanted to hear himself. Now he didn't just sound hurt anymore, he also looked hurt.

"That's what you wanted for years. I'm happy and I'm proud you made it."

He was sure that this wasn't what he wanted to hear though. His older brother seemed dispassionate, almost relieved about the turn of events. Anger and betrayal welled up inside him.

"Be angry, Dean ! Be anything but not happy for me ! Don't make me feel like I'm the only one in this cause I always thought I weren't."

"Listen kiddo, it was clear that this wouldn't go far anyway."

Sam just stared at Dean, mouth slack and mind blank before he caught on and coughed to cover up something he didn't want to admit. The anger was replaced by a kind of heartache he wasn't prepared for. It was true that no Winchester did the heart-to-heart well but he had considered a bit of more…well, tact. Dean had chosen. But Sam wished he hadn't made it that clear. Hunting had always been more important to his big brother than to himself and he always knew he wouldn't stand a chance when it came down to it but it still hurt.

Obviously he had been wrong. He had thought that Dean considered him an important constant in his life. But his brother was stronger and more independent then he could ever be. There had been denial at some point, guilt and hiding for sure but they had made it. Dean had promised to stay with him. He had thought that this meant more, meant forever.

Seemingly it didn't.

* * *

><p>A glance out of the window tells him what a watch could as well – it was getting late. Sam apparently thinks so, too when he places all documents into another envelope and hesitates in something like resentment.<p>

"I guess you were right. There is no chance for us, is there ?"

Dean doesn't know what to say though he can sense that this time Sam is waiting for an answer. Eventually he gives up waiting.

"I'm hitting the bed, tomorrow's going to be hell of a day."

"Yeah", Dean replies, voice raspy like he wants to say something else.

Sam stops dead in the doorframe.

"Seeing it's the last night…do you mind staying with me ?"

Dean doesn't. He wants to tell him he would never. But his intentions were read wrong and all sympathy for him probably vanished.

* * *

><p>It hit him dead-center when Sam pulled out the envelope.<p>

The day had started off with a quiet sir in the air which grew louder and louder until the youngest Winchester got the mail. There was no mistaking the thick packet of documents for a decline. A heavy weight sank down inside Dean. Sammy would go and leave him behind but Sammy would also go and be safe from the cruel things waiting out there. Besides he knew that as long as the younger was with him he couldn't do his job properly, not as he should.

This wasn't the time to be selfish. He had promised his little brother he would help him and this was what Sammy was first and foremost, his little brother. His smile was well practiced and looked real enough.

"You're going to Stanford, baby boy ?"

Within a second Sam's expression changed from happy to gloomy.

"I…I don't know, I mean we- and what will Dad say ?"

There was the final prick. The younger had totally forgotten about him for a moment because this was what he had wanted for years and Dean was in no position to ask him to abandon that dream.

"Don't worry about any of it. Dad will understand. And us…it's okay.

For a moment Dean thought he had done it, that didn't come out the way it should have. He wanted Sam to know he wasn't mad, he even understood him. Instead he made it sound like it wasn't a big deal at all. And his brothers face told him the same.

"You're not mad ?"

No, he wasn't mad, he was just upset and sorry for how it was. But he didn't know what Sam wanted to hear or what was the appropriate thing for him to say to the person he had loved his whole life.

"I had two years to know this was coming" he said with almost to himself believable amusement.

His brother didn't look relieved however.

A look at the calendar told Dean in two months Sammy would hold a slip of paper, a ticket to California in his hands and be happier than in his whole previous life. He wasn't going to take that away.

He had known all along. Once he said yes, that was it. When you fall in love with your brother there is no way back. There is no falling out of love ever again but right now Dean wished he could.

* * *

><p>Sam is too fast asleep to notice how Deans hold tightens from time to time.<p>

Back then it was heaven to hold Sam and tell him everything would be alright but the sweet untroubled feeling was gone and replaced with the life they led. Dean knew he was safer in Stanford. Safe from monsters, safe from becoming like Dean or Dad.

With Sam the sweetest feeling would be gone.

**End**

DONE ! (most of my works just make it to the 20%-mark…) Dean is very much _"Get thee to a nunnery, go: farewell !"_ here. (just that he in fact tells him to "Get thee to a college !")

Jesus, my muses are good enough to balance out my lack of systematisation.


End file.
